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I have just re-read my entire livejournal. Does that constitute narcissism or boredom? Who knows. All I really know is that things have changed since I started this thing, even if I have left it like a punctured sex doll for the past two years. Here I am now with a puncture repair kit, waiting to see how long I can fuck it for before it gives up again...

Anyway, I am now old and wizened, having crossed the magic threshhold ito my thirties. Some would expect that I would have settled down (especially since I'm engaged and in the fifth year of my relationship with Jenny), but no, that's not for me. I now have a hair/beard combo that would Alan Moore weep openly, and have buggered off to Stoke on Trent to be a student for the next four years. Let it not be said that I'm not a contrary bugger.

Stoke is far north of my beloved Essex that I fear we may be entering an ice age here. Mammoths lurk at evey corner, and the locals certainly seem to live in caves. They haven't got a funcitiong transports system. All the bars have bouncers on the doors, Nu-Metal is still popular and THERE'S NO WAGAMAMAS. Civilisation as we know is yet to take root.

I have also largely abandoned comics in the intervening years, simply beacause I can't be arsed. I have re-embraced my love of metal, however. This is because it is proven to make beardy swine such as myself 62% more manly. I now drink my mead from a horn while beating my chest.

So, I'm the frostbitten north (Grim here, too). If I have to experience the land of horrific accents and casual racism, then you bastards certainly need know about it!

Mr Toad, fearless correspondent in the north. Off now to venture down the cliff to go to Asda in search of food.

I just thought I'd actually post on here, since today's my birthday. I'm the grand old age of 28 now. I've been legal to drink for a decade. Bloody hell.

Typically, I'm ill and not really in any fit state to go the pub. Well, I say ill, but in truth, nobody actually seems to know what's actually wrong with me. I developed a tremor in my right arm, which led to it locking up and not moving at all for about a week. It's moving again, but I still have the tremor, which has spread to my right leg and cheek at times, and I can't always walk properly. (Then there's the double vision I seem to be getting...)

All good fun. I'm off to the neurologist on Monday so they can see if I have a brain or something. Given my hatred of hospitals, this should be fun.

The other doctors are not sure what it is at the moment, hence the trip to hospital. They don't seem to think it's anything serious though. Which is nice and comforting. At least until my head falls off or something.

I'm off to look at pictures of robots and play with the dinosaurs I got from Jenny to celebrate my aging.

I haven't written anything of note for about a year. I stopped writing stories in my head about six months ago, when I managed to think of something else while waiting for the train or working. That's not very good when you consider that I'm supposed to be a writer. (As this would seemingly attest.)

Anyway, I haven't been creative for a year. Then about three weeks ago I started having an explosion of ideas. Wonderful stuff, rich stories that were completely new. The downside? I'm having to learn how to write all over again. It's painful. I'm doing things that I thought I'd managed to stop doing years ago.

So, I think I shall ttempt to recreate my finest feat: 52,000 words in about twenty days. ALthough I may try and double it this time, just for fun.

Livejournal has redesigned itself in my absence. How exciting.

I haven't posted o here in months, and I haven't read anybody's journal in that time either. It's not because I find you all terribly unintereting bastards, it's just because I'm bored of the internet. I end up doing the same five or six things, then falling into a coma. I haven't got the patience for forums anymore.

(The lack of internet connection has also helped - as did the untimely death of Jenny's hard drive. We now have a) wireless and b) a new hard drive, which was bought second hand and not wiped, so it came with about five gigs of porn on it. That ought to help save on bandwith.)

Since last posting, I have moved to Streatham, been revealed to be a god amongst men at work and been made to feel terribly old by going to Reading. In short, I've started turning into an old man at the ge of 27. I no longer want to go out and take lots of drugs; I want to sit a home and watch other peple do it on TV.

The most noteworthy event recently was the weding of the esteemed Mr Alistair I-have-too-many-names-Pulling. A fine time was had by all, but it still scares me that he's settled down.

So, see you all in about six months time or so then.

PS. It's bloody pising down at the moment. I'm supposed to go and buy comics and zombie games and the like in a bit...

Southend have been promoted to the Championship! Now I just need the right result on the 13th and it will have been a very good season!

All of our computer systems have died. I cannot do any work, therefore. It's a terrible shame.

The lab is very dull though. I may have to start throwing frozen piss at people if this keeps up.

Jenny got me a Yorkie egg destruction kit for Easter. I shattered the feeble egg with a single blow of my mighty hammer, apparently rendering me a 'top bloke'. Jenny has since confiscated the hammer and is now beating me with it.

Been a while, hasn't it?

So, anyway, tomorrow is my own personal one year later. Or our own personal one year later. Jenny and I have been together for a year tomorrow. Amazing.

I haen't been updating in forever simply because we have no net access at home, but I finally saw some people at the weekend, and it was great.

I'll do a proper update one of these days...

Next month I achieve the grand old age of 27. To celebrate there shall be an expedition to the pub. The pub in question will be the Marlborough Head (If you don't know where that is, ask!) and the date the 18th of February. I am intending to go to Slimelight afterwards as well.

I shall hopefully have the use of both hands by then!

Gah. There's talk of a drawn out election now. Did they not watch the apathy the Tory election generated? Thay need to get the debates going while the media is still interested. All publicity is good.

And I now want Lembit Opik to be leader, simply because of his glorious name.

EDIT: Sadly, Opik has ruled himself out.